peace of mind

today was a good day. for once. i think im at peace because 1.) my fantastic friends 2.)my refined sense of hope for the future of my relationship 3.) i get to come home this weekend to see my mommy AND Janice AND Colleen, woo!

also......i had a meeting with Alyssa at HRI Talent- that went spectacularly well. now i just need to get her a bunch of footage .... grr.... i cant wait 'til i have a real demo reel.. life will be so much easier.. or harder.. idk... as an actor you've got to keep headshots, resumes and online profiles up to date... a reel is just one more thing to have to constantly keep track of.

and... i went running after work. fortunately, ive always been the kind of girl that was *generally* active and *generally* ate good food. unfortunately, i fear that is coming to a close and i see the weight coming on. im not compelled to lose that much weight- dont get me wrong folks- i haven't been in la all that long... but i definitely want to start to pay attention to the way i eat and the amount of exercise i get. sooooooo..... ive cut out the extra junk, fats, sugars, and really looked into the content of my food. ive also begun to run after work. i take lola with me and we run for about a half hour.... then we end up at the park for a bajillion crunches, push ups, and lots of stretching. me, not lola of course. she gets to sit under a tree. i miss my dance classes- they were fun, preprogrammed exercise. now i actually have to think about how long i run, how much i do each day, when i do it, etc etc etc. i enjoy it anyhow... it makes me feel like im really doing something good... making a positive change in my life that is very clear and evident....running is also the perfect way to blow off the stress.

after all that sweating sweetness lola and i had a doggie date with Carrie. a doggie date, btw, consists of lola, ella and tummi running around like nuts for 2 hours while carrie and i vent and eat very very yummy vegan cuisine.

after i left carrie's place i was able to finally get ahold of my wonderfully talented, but suppppppeeeerrrr crazy busy friend jenny and we were actually able to talk on the phone! woo!

now.. i sit here with a crazy sore but full tummy, with a sleepy, stinky, happy puppy on my lap, and a mind that is actually at peace.


thank the gods... lets hope for a better tomorrow.

my birthday is tomorrow

and im having the worst time trying to find a reason to celebrate. life has been horrendous this last week . i dont know if i would be here without the support of my friends. they've really come to my rescue and held my hand. and, without any disrespect or unappreciation to them (heaven knows i NEED them and LOVE them) they haven't been able to help with the confusion. they can't, really. they don't know what's going on in his head.

and that is the worst thing about all of this. it is the unknown, the uncertainty of it all. being the extrovert that i am, i cannot be at peace without my emotions and opinions on the outside. im terrible at trying to hide them or hold them on the inside. i cant stand not knowing what is going on and i, unfortunately, expect people to be as open as me. i am trying to understand how to accept those who feel like that can't share as much as i do, but it's a hard process. im in a situation that doesn't allow me to know what's truly going on so many miles away, i feel as if im going stircrazy.. i could just pluck out each hair on my head. i really feel like im going insane. it's such an odd and terribly uncomfortable feeling.

i feel like i just need to know.. i need my questions answered. why won't he talk to me? what would happen if i called him? is that selfish? how do i keep going without knowing the truth? does he miss me? is he still in love with me? is this really just a break with an intention to revisit our relationship or is this it? is he really moving to la? was he being honest when he said he forgives me? if so, why aren't we communicating? why is he acting so out of character? a few weeks ago i was dreaming up what sort of romantic thing he might do for my birthday, now im wondering if he'll even call me. when are we going to talk again? does he just want to have a friendship with me? does he have any idea how hard it is to be friends with someone who still loves him and wants him so badly? is this what actually makes him happy? has he lost all faith in me?

im sorry, but ive got to unload this pressure... ive got to get these questions out of my body and out of my mind.. ive got to find some peace. the last week ive been in hell. to think it was only 1 little measley week ago when i was riding home with mike, telling him how much renewed faith i had in my relationship, how much i loved my boyfriend and how badly i wanted to make him happy. one tiny week ago, i was there with him, in my arms. loving him, trying to show him that things would be good from now on.... no more fights no more drama. and the whole time, he was there telling himself that my actions were untrue and forced, telling himself that he didn't want me anymore- that he was done. and now, one week later i sit here alone and confused.... wondering what just hit me over the head.

my friends and family tell me i have the right to be angry with him for not communicating with me, for him not keeping me in the loop. i try desperately to explain his side of things. i try to explain why i blame this 100% on me and my actions and they dont get it. they keep telling me to keep my head up, that this will pass and whether he comes back or not, everything happens for a reason. don't they know i dont need to hear that? dont they know that i just need someone there to listen and hug me? i dont want to hear their metaphors about this all getting better, that being single is great, about the right thing happening for me in the future, or how it takes 2 to tango. im not ready for that. i just want to mourn the relationship that i've so terribly murdered and keep my faith that he might have it in him to help me revive it. i honestly know that there is something very wrong with us not being together. i've heard it so many times in the past " there is something very special and unique about you two." there is. and i know it. and i pray that he realizes it too.

i pray that he understands, that he misses us, that he has it in his heart to come back and try. this is the hardest thing we've had to go through- why run away now? why not fight it and become stronger for it? he is right in that i am not the same person. i havent been for awhile. ive been trying to make the right decisions for my life. ones that will make me a better person to be in his life. my adjustment to la has been sooooo hard. that process turned me into a very inconsiderate and nasty person. i am not that woman. ive been through a hard time, a very confusing time... and that pushed him away. why cant he see that despite my harsh actions, it was a cry for help? its during that time that i needed him most. and now im here, without him, wondering if what he said was true. are we "taking time apart" or are we over?

i want him in my life. i need him in my life. im lost and dead without his love. i fear what my outbursts may do; im horrifed that he'll read this and be completely unaffected by it. im horrified that he'll read this in general. but the truth is, anyone that knows me - and really knows me- will know that i have to get this out. writing this is my last ditch effort to get these nasty feelings out of me. ive been trying every waking minute for the last 168 hours to get this out and nothing i do works. the really scary thing is it's only been one week- how much longer will this go on? how much longer will these feelings, these questions stew in me? i dont even want to think about tomorrow or the next day or the next week.. i dont want to know what sort of pain they'll bring. this is disgusting and pathetic and desperate and ridiculous. but, obviously, i'm beyond my pride at this point. im just confused and hopeful and hurting, hurting badly.

ill stop now- if you've read to this point than you've got a lot of patience and i thank you for that. i thank you for your time. im sorry for being so emo.. this truly is quite ridiculous. after writing this, i do feel a little better, not any less confused, or hurt but rather more hopeful and numb. ill go back to watching my phone now.

my official statement on things...

the truth is... i was conflicted on whether to write this or not but i know that today, what has happened is going to spread like wildfire.. it may already have. please know that i'm not writing this to exploit what has happened, but rather lay down the true story and hopefully discourage the nasty rumor mill that's probably gassing up for a go.

brad and i have a lot going on in our lives right now and need to take a break. we still love each other and care about each other very much. i ask that you respect our feelings during this time and try not to sway or bend this truth by speaking any different of what has happened. please be sensitive and considerate in regards to this situation because neither of us can really handle anything else right now.

also, it's not the sort of a situation where you need to pick sides. there is no right or wrong here and we promise never to make it awkward for any of you, our mutual friends. obviously this is a very hard time for both of us. i thank you guys in advance for your support and love. i know both he and i appreciate it very much. you guys (and you know who you are) mean a lot to us.

love, amber

one more

one hour forty minutes
it was not enough
2 months, a few days
pushed to our limits

how long will it be 'til i know
the only gift i have is time
the only way to you is distance
i cannot let you go

im on my knees 5 hours away
new faith is not impossible
im praying and i have none
let me show you the way

your friends will all forget me
when they speak they do not know my love
i die to know that and am sick with pain
please try to remember me

i hope you're really there
i'd kill to hear your thoughts
my skin is crawling over our last talk
this is all too much to bear

mistakes cant be undone
words never unspoken
but healing is a process
i will express my love

one more?

regrets

there was a gift that i couldnt give

but has always been given to me

a sight that i couldnt see that

is now so clear



now it may be too late,

it may already be gone

and i hate myself for never letting my pride go

because he's shown me how badly my walls need to be broken



never even knew how desperately i needed to be there

never even knew that one day he wouldn't

now i am sick with the pain and the anger

and i feel my stomach turning inside



this pathetic excuse for catharsis is leaving me in pain

i know he's there debating

and i know he's there asking why

i wish i could show him all the things ive realized



so he finally realizes what i was saying

only now i know i was so terribly wrong

and i desperately hope he has it in him

to allow me to sing a true song.



a song of clarity and peace

truth and apology

notes of beauty and love

bars of revitalization

Lola's

945 N Fairfax Avenue, West Hollywood

wow.. can you please say overrated? I went for happy hour for a co-workers b-day a few weeks ago. i arrived a bit early and already, there was no parking. strike one lola's! so... i was forced to valet. valet was only 5 bucks so i didn't mind but my parking spot was seriously like 10 feet from the door. i could have parked that shit myself. anyways- that wasn't enough to ruin my time. my bf was in town ( a super rare treat) and i love my work familia so i was determined to have a good time. when they finally unlocked the doors i walked in and was instantly turned off. the decor of this place is ridiculous. from the outside it looks like it may be fun; kinda creepy.. mysterious looking, on the inside it looks like some cheap excuse for a bordello. (mmm... bordello... we shoulda gone there) the servers looked like they just rolled out of bed, not one of them cared to get ready that day.. things were dirty, there were stacks of napkins, tubs of silverware, menus everywhere, bleh.. also- their upscale, classy image? where was it? being in marketing has taught me about the importance of uniformity so now i look for it and appreciate it. this place was alllllll confused, one vibe outside, a different inside, their servers gave off another, their logo another, their drinks another. get yourself together lolas, its not that hard. its business 101.

so we take a seat at a table, or a lame excuse for a table. it was a set of about 5 old pizza hut looking tables set together, all unlevel and too high for the bench seats next to it. instantly everyone was uncomfortable so we crash a different group and steal their booth. (it was like 12 to 2 people, come on) while it appeared to be a bit better, it was still a bit crowded. whatever... good time... good time....

so then... this is where i just lost it. if you know me you know exactly how much i HATE bad customer service. our waitress, an 18 year old ditz, comes up after we were sitting there for 15 minutes (15 minutes- seriously- there was no one else there) and takes our order. my boyfriend, being the tastefully simple man that he is, asks for the run down on the beer. standard, right? the ditz looks at him as if she had no clue.. she begins to name off beers, and then takes them back because she doesn't actually know if they have them or not. i cut in and requested a beer list. they can't really fuck that up right? wrong. she has no idea what a beer list is and looks desperately to the hostess next to her to see if she has any clue. they hand him a beer list and he orders. ditzy says "what? we don't have that!" we patiently point to it on the list and she scurries off to try to remember the way to the bartender. a good 10 minutes later she returns to say that, no- they do not have it. WOW. grr... so.. he compromises and order something he really didn't want. not only was she dumb, she was slow and unaccomodating.

the drinks were decent. prices were fine for happy hour. frankly, i would have preferred the ridiculously potent and overwhelming $0.35 martinis at the edison over their tasty $5.00 excuse for a margarita any day.

tips and tricks:
*don't ever come here when it's full price- not worth it

*only come by when you have nowhere better to go (and come on, this is LA a new restaraunt opens every 5 minutes)

*dont ever think the girls from the hills are that ritzy when they film in this place

lola's in one word: lame

Starlite room

Starlite Room, 11411 Moorpark St, North Hollywood



as soon as you walk through the greasy polyester-covered saloon doors you'll feel as if you just entered some sort of heaven. my eyes became tarantino's (a la from dusk 'til dawn) as i scanned an establishing shot of what seems to be the coolest lil' dive bar i've ever seen. first stop, the bar - of course. go on up and meet the bartender, a scary but sweet s.o.b. that insists carding everybody- yeah even joe schmo with his gnarly gray beard hanging down to his chest sitting in the corner. dont even ask what they have on tap, they don't have one.

upon the realization that this place was truly low key, i tried desperately to look cool as i asked for a blue moon. the man didn't even say no he just pointed towards a generic, homemade list of about 8 beers - the standards of course. so i ordered a bud light- whoa high school, right? the bartender then leaned over and said the sweetest words ive ever heard "that'll be $2.75" holy jesus. i paid the burly man then he proceeded to hand me the coldest beer i've ever enjoyed. yes, even bud light is good when its nearly frozen. but we were not done there, no! he then told me how lovely i looked with a haircut that perfectly framed my face. fuckin' wierd. so....

next stop - table. turn yourself around and take about 5 steps to your selection of small, faux wood paneled tables. from here you can watch the game of darts or the rowdy game of pool in front of you , or just keep an eye on the jukebox so you can identify the idiot that put on "sweet home alabama" for the 3rd time that hour.

this sort of a place generally sounds disgusting to my fellow angelenos, but it was absolute nirvana for me. it suited my needs perfectly: a laid back, cheap place for a tuesday night, oh and within walking distance to my place so i could stumble home after i decided i didnt care it was a tuesday.

tips and tricks:
*bring cash- these guys dont bother with tabs & the jukebox only takes 1's and 5's

* there's always an atm at the 7-11 across the street if you forget

* dress down, people will look at you funny if you dress up- believe me (i wasn't even that dressed up)


starlite room in one word, well okay, two words: fuck yes

my people might call your people

just signed with RPM Talent agency! they represent me for all commercial and print work.
ive got 2 meetings with theatrical agents in the next two weeks so im keeping my fingers crossed. ill let you know what happens.

in the meantime, you can send flowers and gifts attn: Tiffany at RPM.

girls

ive never really gotten along with too many females. they intimidate me, really. friendships with them often feel awkward or forced and they usually come with a bonus prize of competition and jealousy. being in la and trying to make friends is hard. {no shit, you say?} im suprised by the number of down to earth people ive met, but... im a bit confused about how to approach those girls and try to conduct some sort of series of ongoing communications, also known as a relationship. how do you go up to someone and ask if they want to be your friend? i might as well slip them a bar napkin with a drunken "hey - i need someone to hang out with. you wanna? check yes or no" message scribbled across it.

i am so lucky to have jenny and michael in my life. theyve taken me under their proverbial wing and have made it a point to introduce me to their friends which, in turn, are (hopefully) slowly becoming mine. jenny and i have such a wonderful time. with us both being such open people, we're able to talk about things without the awkward factor- which is still pretty new to me. only my friends from hs and i can really talk like that, until her.

a very wise man once said "friends are the family you can choose." remember that.

process

it begins with the inspiration
which supplies the self degradation
and a new revelation

discovery.

then the analyzation
to the demonstration
cause a movement
with their nauseating sounds.

now the recreation
of one alive nation
gives a chance to emblazen
a new way.

share that amazement
with the migration
to become one with the nation
of tomorrow.