all you need is love.
love got me and my boyfriend through a very tumultuous 3 and a half years. in such a short amount of time, he and i have experienced many unique ups and downs; more than average couples experience i'd say. yet, to this day we are thrilled to receive the simplest text message from each other.
because of our love and the potential it brings to both of our lives, he is moving in with me in may! i can't wait until he is here with me. it has been a year since we've started the long distance thing and we are both SOO over it that it makes us want to scream.
i am so in love with my man and i CAN'T WAIT 'til he is here!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
wise thought..
"...never let the will play gardener to the soul, unless you know your will's nature is wiser"
- Edgar Lee Masters
think on it. these few words made a lot of changes to my perspective on things.
- Edgar Lee Masters
think on it. these few words made a lot of changes to my perspective on things.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
...opportunities are coming...
"an unexpected event will bring good things to your life"
... does it still count if the fortune cookie was already cracked when i opened it?...
in either case, i believe.
... does it still count if the fortune cookie was already cracked when i opened it?...
in either case, i believe.
Monday, January 26, 2009
to someone who loves me....
your obligations take you out
of the running for yourself.
give him the chance you give me everyday
untie the bonds
from the pains and strained loyalties you know as right.
give him the freedom to soar
find the faith
within yourself to make the stars move for you.
give him the eyes to see time
give him to you.
of the running for yourself.
give him the chance you give me everyday
untie the bonds
from the pains and strained loyalties you know as right.
give him the freedom to soar
find the faith
within yourself to make the stars move for you.
give him the eyes to see time
give him to you.
nearly 6 months...
...since my last post. so much has happened i'm not even going to try to share it all. let's just call this a clean slate, okay? i've been tempted to write but every time i come to my page i'm overwhelmed by the emotional toll it takes to write a true and honest post. today is different. the last couple of days have been devastatingly emotional and i guess there is little to be afraid of now... so wtf, right?
i've decided to become more agressive about the things i want. work & career, home, friends, relationships, money - everything. i began to feel bogged down with day to day life and i'm sick of it.. the obligations that weigh me down. so.. i was inspired just one, short week ago to stand and up say that i'm tired of it. i am too young and have too much potential to simply accept things the way they are.
i'm also tired of the lack of time to be creative.... so this is me... writing... expressing... expect more from me the next few months.
i've decided to become more agressive about the things i want. work & career, home, friends, relationships, money - everything. i began to feel bogged down with day to day life and i'm sick of it.. the obligations that weigh me down. so.. i was inspired just one, short week ago to stand and up say that i'm tired of it. i am too young and have too much potential to simply accept things the way they are.
i'm also tired of the lack of time to be creative.... so this is me... writing... expressing... expect more from me the next few months.
Monday, August 4, 2008
release
allow it to let go
allow it to be free
give it all it wants
but leave it on it's knees
the poison circulates
the venom begins to destroy
suffocating all of the logic
smothering all of the joy
surpress the digust
surpress the animal inside
hide all of the signs
deny all of the lies
put on the happy smile
put on a grown up face
try not to invert
refuse yourself the waste
someone make it go away
please, someone make it die
remove the conflict from my bed
release the demons from my eyes
allow it to be free
give it all it wants
but leave it on it's knees
the poison circulates
the venom begins to destroy
suffocating all of the logic
smothering all of the joy
surpress the digust
surpress the animal inside
hide all of the signs
deny all of the lies
put on the happy smile
put on a grown up face
try not to invert
refuse yourself the waste
someone make it go away
please, someone make it die
remove the conflict from my bed
release the demons from my eyes
i dont know anymore
waiting for my mail to arrive
waiting for news
that i can fly.
trying to hold to the ground
trying to get a grip
of the sound.
giving all of me to so many
giving my heart
to plenty.
missing all that was home
missing the thing to call
my own.
let me go and let me be
i promise ill figure the bow
let me go and let me be
trust me with the last finale
waiting for news
that i can fly.
trying to hold to the ground
trying to get a grip
of the sound.
giving all of me to so many
giving my heart
to plenty.
missing all that was home
missing the thing to call
my own.
let me go and let me be
i promise ill figure the bow
let me go and let me be
trust me with the last finale
Sunday, August 3, 2008
manic
so i've been having problems with my creativity. yeah, i know... just another tortured "artist".. another lost soul that feels misunderstood... whatever. im having problems with my credibility as an artist.. my flow of creative energy.. my imagination. i am such a control freak that i can never leave myself alone. i cant allow myself to flow freely, to discuss, to accept.. I seize up and begin to analyze myself. what does that mean about me other than im completely insecure of my expression?
the man i love more than anything, and share absolutely every thought in the world with, told me tonight that he loves to read my poetry because he rarely sees me express myself artistically. ouch but wow. i mean - he knows everything about me. he's reading this now. even he says that it is rare for me to express myself artistically.. shit.
am i dooming myself to a life of being a wannabe? i mean- im in LA, im working on being an actress, im taking up my photography again... but other than that? im supposed to be considered an artist, right? if im not truly an artist, but im trying to be one....am i just disillusioned and fucking myself over?
ive realized that my life is sort of one big strategic move to get somewhere else. where is the appreciation of the moment? acting, much like life itself, is a moment to moment process... if im always thinking about the next.. if im always pressuring myself to be good ... it becomes inorganic. am i inorganic? a drone? a girl once told me that she was convinced i never slept in order to accomplish all that i do every day. THAT is me being inorganic.. and her seeing it....being a robot of sorts that just keeps going. im like that damn pink bunny with the gaudy sunglasses and the massive energizer battery stuck to my back.
i need to relax. i need to slow down. when i try to do so, when i try to lay back and be more "go with the flow" my need to keep moving and keep accomplishing things hits me like a brick. i feel like im in a dream sometimes where i go through the motions, but never quite connect to anything. for example, my sister was here for a week and just left today. a week. i feel like i was just going the whole time and didnt bond with her. i wasted that opportunity to become closer to her by not allowing the control freak to piss off.
with all of this coming to a head tonight, i felt as if i was going crazy. my roommate had friends over and when i entered my apt. nothing was as how i had left it. i felt as if i was going to have an anxiety attack. i rushed into my neat, organized little room and took a deep breath. i was on the phone with B at the time, and i just started to tear up as i explained to him how much i hate being that person. how much i hate those impulses and pangs of frustration.
i think i need help with this. im convinced im going crazy. i feel that as long as im this way my creative energy is not going to come. it's going to stay locked up in this perfectly symmetrical, level box of smudge-free glass... close enough for me to see- but not enough to touch.
i wonder if i cling to control because im truly not in that position right now. im living in a city where no one really knows me and everything is still kind of new and uncomfortable. i hope it doesn't take too much longer to settle here. people keep telling me that one day i'll just accept LA. maybe since i haven't i cling to each little bit of control that i do have.
now im psychoanalyzing myself. see? see how i do that? i cant just leave myself alone. it drives me insane. forgive me as i put you through a series of awkward poetry and weird music the next few days. im honestly just trying to channel something and allow it to live on it's own.
thanks for the chance to vent. i needed to get that out in my own, tidy little way, on my clean little blog.
the man i love more than anything, and share absolutely every thought in the world with, told me tonight that he loves to read my poetry because he rarely sees me express myself artistically. ouch but wow. i mean - he knows everything about me. he's reading this now. even he says that it is rare for me to express myself artistically.. shit.
am i dooming myself to a life of being a wannabe? i mean- im in LA, im working on being an actress, im taking up my photography again... but other than that? im supposed to be considered an artist, right? if im not truly an artist, but im trying to be one....am i just disillusioned and fucking myself over?
ive realized that my life is sort of one big strategic move to get somewhere else. where is the appreciation of the moment? acting, much like life itself, is a moment to moment process... if im always thinking about the next.. if im always pressuring myself to be good ... it becomes inorganic. am i inorganic? a drone? a girl once told me that she was convinced i never slept in order to accomplish all that i do every day. THAT is me being inorganic.. and her seeing it....being a robot of sorts that just keeps going. im like that damn pink bunny with the gaudy sunglasses and the massive energizer battery stuck to my back.
i need to relax. i need to slow down. when i try to do so, when i try to lay back and be more "go with the flow" my need to keep moving and keep accomplishing things hits me like a brick. i feel like im in a dream sometimes where i go through the motions, but never quite connect to anything. for example, my sister was here for a week and just left today. a week. i feel like i was just going the whole time and didnt bond with her. i wasted that opportunity to become closer to her by not allowing the control freak to piss off.
with all of this coming to a head tonight, i felt as if i was going crazy. my roommate had friends over and when i entered my apt. nothing was as how i had left it. i felt as if i was going to have an anxiety attack. i rushed into my neat, organized little room and took a deep breath. i was on the phone with B at the time, and i just started to tear up as i explained to him how much i hate being that person. how much i hate those impulses and pangs of frustration.
i think i need help with this. im convinced im going crazy. i feel that as long as im this way my creative energy is not going to come. it's going to stay locked up in this perfectly symmetrical, level box of smudge-free glass... close enough for me to see- but not enough to touch.
i wonder if i cling to control because im truly not in that position right now. im living in a city where no one really knows me and everything is still kind of new and uncomfortable. i hope it doesn't take too much longer to settle here. people keep telling me that one day i'll just accept LA. maybe since i haven't i cling to each little bit of control that i do have.
now im psychoanalyzing myself. see? see how i do that? i cant just leave myself alone. it drives me insane. forgive me as i put you through a series of awkward poetry and weird music the next few days. im honestly just trying to channel something and allow it to live on it's own.
thanks for the chance to vent. i needed to get that out in my own, tidy little way, on my clean little blog.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
get by with a little help from my friends...
my friend B just began a voice blog. (yes, a voice blog. it's like this only with recordings instead of written posts)
just like any of us bloggers, it's a place for him to vent, to inspire, to offer something to the world. he is a good guy with a lot to offer.... words of encouragement, words to consider, words to inspire. be a good friend and check him out below....
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!
just like any of us bloggers, it's a place for him to vent, to inspire, to offer something to the world. he is a good guy with a lot to offer.... words of encouragement, words to consider, words to inspire. be a good friend and check him out below....
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!
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